One either has to fight off laziness or fighting off not going over the limit exhausting yourself .
An explanation of my life in a diagram.
Its the "drug" that I'm on most of the time.
Memories of Sleep Deprivation
I've been way over enthusiastic and so I've been staying up till 5am of the sorts for about a week. Or if I went to bed early I would wake up in the middle of the night to paint and then go back to sleep some odd hours later.
On Monday I had to be somewhere at 8:30 am after going being exhausted triggered a memory I had forgotten. I remembered the last time I felt this was when...well.
This will be the first time I will say this publicly. I kept it to myself for a long time time...
I'm ashamed to say and never told anyone but I missed my sister's college graduation due to work. To my great shame and embarrassment. To anyone who asked me how it was I LIED. If I told you I went I LIED. If I described to you how it was I LIED. I didn't want to re-explain nor tell the story to relive that moment of disappointment. Sorry. I'm real sorry. I lied. This is the real truth.
Photoshop rough of sketches and pasted montage.
At the time I was attending the Academy of Art University online classes and was taking Color Theory. Anyone who has been there will tell you that is the most difficult class in that school and if you survive it your a champion and can take on anything there.
Around week 7 of 15 of class the final was announced and one can start working on their final. I knew a month in advance I was not going to make the deadline so I sacrificed sleep, hanging out and much more. For awhile I did fine drifting on 4 hours of sleep. Watching marathons of T.V to keep me going.
Then the 2 week call came up. I gave in more. 2 hours I can get by with 2. At this point I was feeling the granules of reality slip and drop around me. I could see it crumble. Practically everything around me was white it was blank. But I went on. Continued being stubborn and hardheaded.
Also around the same time my shy friend who never made any requests asked if I could personally attend an event. I told them I could not due to my sister's graduation. They said it was fine. But it bothered me that they must of really thought about it and had to muster a lot of courage only to shot down. Honestly I don't know what they really felt because it was through text. Its difficult to read between the lines with only text.
The story behind the final painting the one I wanted to tell is Senbazuru or 1,000 paper cranes. A Japanese legend where if one folded a thousand paper cranes they would have their wish granted. I had a wish. And there was some other people's wishes it was within my power to fulfilled. I wanted to do so much. But nothing was achieved. This was the intention of the piece and wanted to evoke that feeling if one saw it perhaps. But I failed. It crumbled and fell apart in my hands. It burned.
Photoshop Color Rough V2 Subdued
The final happened to be due on the day of my sister's graduation. It was tricky with the color theory final one had mail their submission in. It had to be on time any late submissions would be sent back unopened and there would be an automatic failure. Saturday was the last day I could possibly get away with doing overnight shipping to get to the school.
By the way when week one rolled around I spliced 2 hours. For half of that week I split the two hours into 2 different sessions of naps. Mind you meanwhile I was going to work at a 11hr shift food factory job full time.
On the final 3 days this time was shortened into an hour. That Friday night the last time I would have to do that I painted a bit. Was going to make the the last push after a nap. Went to sleep. When I woke up it was morning and my dad was knocking on my door saying he was leaving in 20 minutes. The weather was getting bad and he had to leave earlier than anticipated to get there.
I Scrambled noticed the painting was still on the easel unfinished. I dreamed it was done. I slept through 8 alarms as a safeguard for oversleeping and I slept through all of them. Did not hear anything. I told my dad I going to go regardless. He looked at my crazed self . My dad had the "look"the scary one saying that was highly impractical. That was the last thing I wanted to hear after a month of trying to make it is being and denied. I felt like the underdog. I snapped. Burst out crying. I could not hold it back and like most people who are sleep deprived they will be too honest.
Now my dad does not get upset easy but crying was one of those things he dis not tolerate. Essentially I was pouring water into the oil. Water and oil do not mix. He left after that dispute. Which made me ever more upset.
I wanted to apologize to my sister but sorry wasn't going to cut it or 10,000 of them. I called my sister to apologize but as soon as she picked up I wailed. She could not understand a word I was saying. She forgave me. A part of me wanted her to hate me for missing such an important date due to work but instead she cheered me on, comforted me and tried to calm me down so I could work again. The sincerity was felt. She reminded me for a month I've been working so hard that it was alright. Do your thing. Get some rest.
Everything was a mess. I laid on my bed being sour for a bit realizing I had an opportunity to go to my friend's event and make it up but I was in no condition to do so. In my frazzled state of my I could not think.
"Subete no kuso yarou"And no I don't mean the song.
Well I missed the cut off time of UPS so I rested that Saturday and painted some and also that Sunday. On Monday I went to the specialty post office because the regular post office had long lines due to it almost being Chirstmas. Paid an arm, a leg and some of my hair just to pay for overnight shipping. Hoping that the instructor would accept my late piece. Hate being in a situation to ask for people for favors when you don't deserve it because most of the time people won't pull through for you.
Color Rough Version 1 Bright
Honestly this painting looked way better being strung out. But I guess part of the message is apparent. The bright yellow. In the realm of color psychology yellow conjures up memories. It is not good to be in a hospital or a nursing home. So in a psychedelic state I splashed yellow. Yellow spoke to me. I bleed yellow.
Thank you Ms. Komsthoeft because honestly you made a miracle passing me. She did not have to. I understand and see color it just didn't show in some of the work I submitted in this state and point in my life.
So the moral is don't sacrifice everything for work. Live life and try to balance it all. Try to maintain. Once in awhile this promise this lock to myself to never go across the boundary of the insanity point. It took me 2 months after to recover from that. My sleeping and eating habits were destroyed in that time. And I fried my mind it was the closest to me ever becoming crazy and I will never wander near that line again. So I sleep when I feel that creeping.
Was looking for an opportunity to post this reference for awhile now.
When I watched Dexter season 5 the actress Julia Siles was a guest.
So my mind works like this. All the puzzle pieces are in front of me and
I have to rearrange them in how I see fit. Make them work so...
Actress Julia Stiles->Movie Save the Last Dance->Epic last dance scene->Oh that amazing song at the end what was it again?->Youtube what I think the song says->Found it->Ok its Athena Cage "All or Nothing."
Every time I see Julia I hear the intro part of that song. I literally waited for her to burst out in dance. She didn't I was disappointed.
By the way one of my friends who cancelled plans with me is viciously sick and taking too much NyQuil posted this. Its a bit...well disturbing. I'm not sure if one wants to sleep after seeing that. I don't. I really don't.
Here's a sneak peak of what this new body of work has to do with. Went to the art store and saw these might use them as photo texture lay ins.
My favorite track from Pac-man Championship Edition DX+
Its one of the extra DLC songs.
Also I'm real excited about CYNE they've been laying low for a few years and finally going to drop their new album in a week or so. Can't wait to hear it!
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